Vulnerability and Joy

A friend shared this with me today.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

It blew me away. Deeply. I'm still kind of reeling from it so not being very eloquent. I Found myself feeling encouraged by ways I have learned to embrace vulnerability (and it is something I have had to learn and it was hard. Actually - am learning...is hard.) but really resistant to opening up to where I shut it down. Gently tapping on the door to those parts of myself. Baby steps.

As is often the case with these kind of things, it seems to be well timed. (Likely because its relevance is core to ones being so it is hard to not be well timed!) In the present moment and the near future there promises to be more than enough opportunities to practice my vulnerability. To embrace the non-guarantee and find love in compassion to self first and extending it to those who are equally as imperfect. Growing my sense of worthiness.

Change is afoot here in the South of Spain. Winter (such as it is) is giving way to the promise of Spring. That which has been brewing in the darkness is coming to light. Soon... Soon... Soon...

I've been silent for a long time. Surrounded by my vulnerability and - as I now realize after watching the TEDtalk - doing my very best at denying it to all, including myself. Rationalized of course by a huge laundry list of very very good reasons to do so. The irony of which is actually bringing me great amusement and joy. I'm curious to find what else I've been keeping hidden from others and therefore myself. What treasures will I unearth? What will be sprouting as I let the sun shine and warm the seeds that lie buried?

Now With High Speed Internet!

Yes, yes. We are still here. Alive and well. If not periodically really cold. Yes - cold. The temps in the day are fine (brilliant even) but the night gets cold. As soon as the sun goes down it starts dropping. Not to terribly cold by most standards, but into the single digits Celsius which is in the mid-40's ballpark in Fahrenheit. The problem with this is that we do not have a heater. Or hot water in our house. This makes for a quite chilly time. Chilly (being kind here...) makes me rather grumpy and pouty I have found. I threw quite the tantrum the other night whilst bundled up in a thick bathrobe with a thick warm polar fleece cloak over it and 3 pairs of socks on my feet. Luckily the sun came up the next day and I warmed up for a few hours before I was back to my bundle, clutching a cup of hot tea, dreaming of when (in that nebulous "later" land) we will get a wood burning stove in our house. Until then it is bundle up and cautiously price out electric heaters and weigh benefits of increased electric usage (electric is quite expensive here and our only 'on grid' utility) vs. layers,tea,and tantrums.

Of course there is so much more to report than being cold and whiny at times. So so much more. I realize I have been away from the blog for some time and left you kind of hanging with my last post. Truth is life kind of left us hanging for awhile as well. Our first couple months here on the finca were overshadowed by the stress of an ongoing issue between the landowner and the former (resisting the 'former' aspect) "caretakers" of the property. It was not our concern truthfully but it did mean that we had to live on eggshells trying not to poke the bears as well as in a holding pattern on our own lives and plans until the matter was settled. During that time I felt unable to blog very much. Occasionally I would have a thought to write something, but truth is that it took all my energy to be totally present in every day in order to keep things level headed for myself and my family. Yes, it was really that hard.

But now that time has passed. Things are moving forward. It is still a bit unsure where everything will lead, but there have been meetings scheduled, plans drawn up, and much discussed. The typical sort of things that must happen at the birth of such an undertaking as what we have entered. First order of business for myself, other than continuing to help with the daily operations on the finca, is to develop and launch our web presence. Nothing fancy, but enough so that we can share with everyone about our vision and what we are accomplishing.

There are also over 600 photos for me to sort through and select a reasonable number for uploading. More than likely I will do some retrospective posts as I keep you abreast of the current news and happenings. Maybe even the new picture or two if I feel very inspired. I won't promise much though. With all that there is to do around here getting even half of my intended web work done will be a huge challenge. Today is Thursday. We just got our high (normal-ish) speed internet yesterday. On Saturday we have a group of people coming to help harvest a couple tons of olives that we are having pressed into olive oil at the local olive oil mill. I need to have enough of a start on our materials that people who come can be given a leaflet, directed to a website, and sign up for a mailing list.

Blog? Will I find time to blog??? I'd better get a move on now. Ready - Steady- Go!

Transitions..Each Has A Time Pattern Of It's Own

Friday again. We have been in our new home long enough that we have established some early patterns. Things are becoming familiar. Familiar but not settled, still on colt's feet. With each comfort level reached we find another one to stretch us. This week has been a bit of a mix. Still don't have our belongings. (they are in storage at our request) Monday was a court hearing for the land owner that is responsible for our holding pattern. Now just waiting for a result. Nothing that I need to get into on this blog, and certainly nothing that will seriously alter our current trajectory. Just old business being settled before new business can take place. We are patiently - as possible as it is to be patient when you are as anxious to get to work as we are - waiting for the green light.

In the meantime life continues on. Exploring our new home. Meeting friends and neighbors. Looking forward to when we have our partners join us here on the finca. Branching out and saying hello and getting to know the towns that surround us and the culture that we are all new to. Very slowly learning bits of the language. We are all eager to learn the language more fluently. It is wonderful having a fluent Spanish speaker in the family, but the day when we can all be more at home with it will be a pleasure! Not that I can't survive as we are. I was proud of my ability to understand as one shop owner explained what type of adhesive I needed to reattach the rear view mirror in the car and direct me to the auto part store down the road. This after I pigeon Spanish'ed and dramatized the explanation that my mirror had fallen off the window. Complete with sound effects. It was quite the encore at said auto parts store where I was not only the sole English speaker, I was also outnumbered 8 to 1 (me) in the male/female ratio. That was fun. The mirror is fixed and I have a great memory.

One little guy has quickly become a member of our family. Tiger is what we have decided to call him. He is a resident stray that the outgoing caretakers had been feeding table scraps to. There are a couple others, one whom we are a bit unsure about but have taken in our care nonetheless who we call Cleopatra. A Siamese whom Axel named that we have since discovered in a male. "not-really-strays-kind-of-belong-to-the-neighbor" cats that we are none to fond of are continuously trying to bully out Tiger and Cleo of their food. We have been working, with some success, at making it clear who any food put out is for, and who decides when leftovers may be consumed. We call them Ginger and Alba (aka. that damn white cat) though they likely have other names at their real source of food. It was not our plan to have cats, but they were left here for several weeks without any of the scraps they were accustomed to by the outgoing caretakers when they went on holiday. (...you may correctly infer that it is actions such as this and much more that have earned them the status of outgoing. Also correctly lead to consideration that they may be involved in our holding pattern...) They were already quite underfed and definitely undernourished being fed pickings of meager offerings. After being forced to fend on their own they were skin and bones. Poor things. They were all very afraid of us at first, but now they don't run from us. Except of course when we chase the two interlopers away. The odd man out being Tiger. He sweetly but pathetically came right up to us and mewed his little skinny heart out and nudged our ankles and followed us like a puppy. No joke. He followed me and Kiah up and down the drive 4 times one night as we were walking off dinner. Trotted behind us like a faithful companion. We can't help but love him. A cat. We are not cat people. I am allergic. Axel just does not like them. (and is admittedly the coolest towards them all, but then again is the one who feeds them most faithfully each morning. )The girls are quite happy. Kiah has quite a good time with Tiger and Anja thinks it is cool to have a pet of any kind. We will keep them as outdoor cats. Farm cats. Keeping the finca rodent population at bay with luck. We still plan on getting a dog. This has always been our intention whereas cats were not really considered. It was our impression that the outgoing caretakers had some sort of attachment to the two cats, but seeing as how they re-homed their dog but abandoned the cats I guess that was mistaken. I do hope that they don't take them with them when they leave. It would surprise me if they did given their clear apathy and neglect but I also know not to guess what they might do. Regardless - until further notice we have officially claimed Tiger as our kitty and Cleo as Finca Drag Queen.

And life goes on. Each day brings us closer to what we came here to do. No - that is not right. What we are doing now is part of what we came here to do. All that happens is as important as the next. I firmly believe this. There is benefit to be found in where we are and what we are dealing with now. It is part of the challenge of this transition. They are all different and each brings it's own highs and lows. I feel much like I did with my second child. This being my second move to a new country. Much is similar, much is different. Very very different. Things I thought I knew are being challenged. Some holding, some being let go of. It's own pattern and process.

But still - We feel the wind shift and know that change is afoot. We look forward. With great determination. Faith. Hope. Love.

Siesta Culture With A No Siesta Child

When my youngest was a baby and toddler I recall all to well many afternoons as I lie on the couch holding my breath, knowing that it was just a matter of minutes before the next round of futile attempts to get her to take a nap. No matter how I adjusted her sleep schedule - late nights, early mornings, or ran her ragged in hopes she would drop out of exhaustion - the child would not take a nap to save her life. Or to save mine. I am reminded of this feeling these past few weeks that we have been here. Everything and everyone shuts down at 2:30 to eat lunch and then have siesta until 5:30 when shops re-open and life begins once again to stir. Everyone but my sweet little sleepless wonder. She is bouncing off the walls as the rest of us groan and do our best to keep what little patience we have left. I've been having a return of my insomnia at night so I am sure her lack of midday respite is grinding on me a bit more than the others. No matter how late we are up, nor how early we rise - she is raring and ready to go all day long. The age old question of how to bottle that kind of energy comes to mind. I'd be first in line for a bottle if you could!

Aside from the flashback to the napless days of yore, we have been mostly just taking it slowly in settling in here on the finca. Last week I posted about my birthday cake, which I did get a picture of but had forgotten about until I was uploading other pictures a couple days ago.

Isn't it lovely? My first birthday cake in Spanish! It was delicious too. And rich! Oh my goodness - one small slice was enough for all day so it lasted well into the week. Yummy!

Last week also brought us the first full moon of our time here. The night sky has barely begun to turn dark as the time marched on towards 9:30 and I took this picture.

As the night went on the moon shone brightly over the finca. Such an enchanting thing to walk in the moonlit sky late at night. Makes me appreciate my insomnia in some small way. Silver linings and all that. This week the moon is waning and the dark is returning to the night sky. My late night wanderings feel a bit more 'wild' and adventurous as I strain to see my route. It is interesting to me how a familiar path can take on new stories and wonder when there is darkness. Ones mind left to fill in whether a dark clump ahead is a patch of grass or a fellow creature out on a night's wandering.

Monday was the day that la Vuelta a España came through town. We had a great vantage point as the riders rounded a corner on an uphill approach. 30 minutes of waiting for 2 minutes of riders whizzing by. Why it is so much fun is beyond me, but it is. We saw the Tour de France when it came through a nearby city in England 25 minutes drive from our house. This seemed twice as exciting to me in that the route was just a few short kilometers from the road we live off of. A less noteworthy race on the world stage perhaps, but in the scope of our new lives this one was significant to us. If you click through the picture below to our flickr you can see more snaps of the racers as they rode by and a few of Axel as we waited for their arrival.

Today is.... Thursday... if my memory serves. Not much need to know exactly what day it is right now. Hopefully things will pick up after next week and we can start to make some steps towards getting things started here. There are some issues that need to be settled before we can start with any real work, which if things go as planned should mean that next Monday brings a shift in that direction. We still do not have our belongings here either (nor a kitchen in our house...) so settling in is a bit hard. Our stuff is in storage in Malaga until we are ready for it to be delivered here. It may be a month before we are ready. I hope it won't be that long and I don't want to think of it being any longer than that. We did take advantage of the offer to do our laundry but hate to use up the good graces of that so it is back to hand washing until then. Fun times I tell you. If I keep telling you that maybe I will believe it too!

So that is about it. Not much to report, thus the lack of posting. Many thoughts rattle in my head throughout the day that I consider blogging about but by the time it is my turn on the computer I feel like they are not worth mentioning. Just a part of another day. Next week I am going to try and do more posting. It is probably too ambitious of me to attempt an every day post, but I will make an effort to do at least a few more than I have been.