What I Didn’t Say

Image: Source

When was the last time you spoke even though your voice was shaking?

What have you not said because you were afraid to shake?

I spoke my truth when we ended the partnership at the finca. I shook so hard I thought I might shatter. But I didn’t shatter - Instead I grew stronger. Speaking my truth ripped through language barrier and made my voice heard clearly. It was Electrifying! My voice was not all that was shaking. I felt as though I could point my finger and sparks would fly from it. Wild.

As much as I loved it - I feared it. I am doing my best to look at that fear to observe it. Getting to know it honestly so that I can let it go. So I can speak my truth, even though my voice is shaking.

So I can speak my truth, even when my voice is still.

Reading My Own Words

The last post I made a couple months ago spoke of vulnerability. I felt vulnerable then. I had no idea how much more vulnerable I would feel as time carried me forward. Not even going to bother asking if there is even more awaiting around the bend. Don't want to know. I'll meet whatever comes as it comes. Dealing with right now is enough for right now.

The big changes that loomed when I wrote that post happened ... and then more change happened. If I'm being honest, we've been some harder times we have had in a long time. Things look so differently than how we saw them. Not at all how we dreamed them. We've done a lot of letting go. We had to bury many of our dreams. Put them in the ground to see what grows from them. Knowing fully that many are already not viable. It has not been pretty, this transition we've been through. It has been powerful. Very. I'm not going to hash out the details of what has happened here. I may mention bits here and there, but only as they apply in context to something else. As I need to do in my every day life. Appreciating today as much as I can because I really know so rawly right now that tomorrow can throw you a hard curve. Let it be clear that we are actively choosing not to give power to those who would like to suck more energy from us, tell more lies, and use us as props in their dramas. Not being or making victims. The inhale to the exhale of letting go is compassion for our own failings and shortcomings. Still working on that one.

What all of this looks like in living color is our now family of 3 living in the city. No longer on a finca. Not even with a yard. Only tiled patios on which to do our best with container gardening. Our perspective on growing our own food has shifted drastically in location, but not in commitment. No longer focusing being rural farmers, we are looking at ways to bring our ideals and visions to the life that is ours at this moment. Instead of trying to predict what that might look like we are witnessing as it happens.

Looking at each step beneath our feet. Experiencing it fully. Not jumping ahead to the next step, or even assuming that there will be one.

Vulnerability and Joy

A friend shared this with me today.

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

It blew me away. Deeply. I'm still kind of reeling from it so not being very eloquent. I Found myself feeling encouraged by ways I have learned to embrace vulnerability (and it is something I have had to learn and it was hard. Actually - am learning...is hard.) but really resistant to opening up to where I shut it down. Gently tapping on the door to those parts of myself. Baby steps.

As is often the case with these kind of things, it seems to be well timed. (Likely because its relevance is core to ones being so it is hard to not be well timed!) In the present moment and the near future there promises to be more than enough opportunities to practice my vulnerability. To embrace the non-guarantee and find love in compassion to self first and extending it to those who are equally as imperfect. Growing my sense of worthiness.

Change is afoot here in the South of Spain. Winter (such as it is) is giving way to the promise of Spring. That which has been brewing in the darkness is coming to light. Soon... Soon... Soon...

I've been silent for a long time. Surrounded by my vulnerability and - as I now realize after watching the TEDtalk - doing my very best at denying it to all, including myself. Rationalized of course by a huge laundry list of very very good reasons to do so. The irony of which is actually bringing me great amusement and joy. I'm curious to find what else I've been keeping hidden from others and therefore myself. What treasures will I unearth? What will be sprouting as I let the sun shine and warm the seeds that lie buried?